Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Dark Side

A while back I posted about some dreams and aspirations. I just feel the need to focus on some demons. These demons do very well at holding me back and keeping me from being the cool Mike I used to be.

Over the course of the next year, I'm going to focus on these demons. Some seem shallow but all are going to be pretty hard to overcome.

  • The supernova in which all of my interplanetary demons revolve around is my weight. I need to lose about 100 lbs. I did it once before. This just affects so many aspects of what I am socially and emotionally. Even society looks down on people that are overweight.
  • Confidence. I used to be so cocky, and not in a bad way. I was never arrogant. I just used to smile at the lusty looks I'd get from girls or that look of envy when a guy would look up at me wishing they could be as tall and charismatic as I was. I know that still seems shallow, but from someone who went from having that to getting looks of near disgust it's something that I have to overcome.
  • Organization. I believe I used to have an over compuslive disorder. I used to clean and clean and then reorganize everything. My house is so much messier than I've ever had it. What's worse is I don't even have the energy to do anything about it.
  • Friends. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I just don't like being that guy who people hang out with just because people don't have anything better to do. Yes, again, it's shallow, but I like feeling important. Back to the weight issue. I think it's pity. I really do. Poor fat Mike. It's sad how that can control everything about my outlook.
  • Style. I used to look cool. I had such good fashion sense. I miss the days when I could take a couple hundred, and go buy a pair of Doc Martens or a good pair of Levi's and a nice button down shirt. Now b/c I bulge out of my clothes, I look like a Wal Mart reject.
  • Dreams. How can I accomplish everything I posted about recently with these things holding me back? It's time I did something about it.
I'll post my plan for making major improvements in my life. I want to be a better husband, friend, and just a better person. I'm not feeling better about anything right now. And it's time to find out who my real friends are, and who's quietly stepping all over me.

5 comments:

  1. Mike! ...wtf dude?. There aint a damn thing wrong with you..you will always be the same mike that I met like 4 years ago, even tho some things have changed( ery little), you are and always will be the coolest person that i hang out with... and NO i do not come to your house " just to hang out cause i have noting better to do " U just need a little more umph! (hehe) But hey that is what getting old does, ya know ?...Jus like i said You will always be and are a very cool person

    Jus dont want to see you and Kat move...what the hell am i gonna do ?

    omg!, im so fucking depressed! I dont know what to do anymore. And u know why. Maybe yall can help me out a little. Before u move : (

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  2. hax0r,

    You've always been a good good friend. I'm definately not refering to you in the slightest. I just go through ruts, just like everyone else does. Just see the good things about Richmond. Mad metal shows! See? All better.

    We're here if you need us. We just ask that you take care of your son first above anything else...even yourself. All we ask.

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  3. Ruts suck. Everyone has them and they can effect your entire lifestyle. Your moods, your temper, your friendships. The most important thing is to recognize the problems that you want to fix and begin fixing them. Easier said than done, but it's the best start. Just remember, you're not the only one going through those same feelings. We've got to sit back and evaluate our lives..which is sometimes the hardest thing of all because when we take a step back, we realize how shitty it seems.

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  4. *sigh*
    That entry made me sad a little. We don't hang out with you because we have nothing to do.... Trust me if that was the case you'd be seein my ass allllll the time.... Like the little moments... when I'm stuck in the bathroom with nothing to do... imagine how awkward that would be.. Or those times when I have nothing better to do than stare at the wall...could you imagine how boring that would be? I/we hang out with you because we like you. I like those times where its just been me and you hanging out and we talk about all kinds of things and I watch you and princess hunt for bugs. We love hanging out with you for the humor and fun you bring. You are such an amazing person... I can't imagine anyone looking at you in disgust. You have such a gentle soul and you care so much about your friends... I'm glad to have you as a friend not to mention you have a cool evil side like me.. I'm going to be sad when you and Kat move away.. It seems like as soon as we got here you guys are leaving... It won't be the same when you leave. *sigh* Well enough rantings..we're always here if you need us.. even if its just to play video games.. =)

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  5. Thanks for the extra comments everyone :) Everyone falls off their horse now and again. It's really good to see I have help getting back on.

    Anonymous: Thanks, you're exactly right. You're very wise whoever you are.

    Megan: You never even came close to mind when I was referring to my friends. I've always dealt with the issue of self importance. I'm very aware of my flaws, it's just hard to deal with their weight 24/7.

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