Friday, March 17, 2006

Mikey 2.7 beta

I think I've tried to reinvent myself a hundred times in the 32 years of my life now. I've always given in to curisoty, I've seen lots of cool places, met lots of cool people, and have had to said good bye to a lot of cool people.

I think at one point I even posted about the changes that I want to make in my life. For me to reach final release version 3, there's a few things I really need to work on first.

  • The weight is always the first to come up. My self image over the past few years has floated over tragic and over the past few months has crept into scary Fuck-it Land. There is no diet that I'm really going to commit myself into outside of cutting out the garbage that I eat and replacing it with better foods. I'm no spring chicken. At my age, what I eat can kill me.
  • Getting up and exercising seems to be the next big hurdle. If I can make myself get up a few minutes early and do my old routine of sit ups and push ups, I would feel a lot better during the day. Something else that I got into for a little while was going to the gym regularly. I need to get back out there and pump iron again. My muscles have all turned into fat and I'm a much more confident person when I feel physically strong and able.
  • My mental house is a wreck right now. I know full well I'm a manic depressant. I'm too proud to ever seek treatment, but I've seen myself go from one extreme to the other with blinding speed lately. I can be confident, even cocky one minute and feel like an ugly pig the next. I can go from happy to sad in a blink. I can and have many times gotten out of bed happy and gone to bed sad and vice versa. I need to find a happy balance. I shouldn't rely on shallow means to accomplish that. I have to keep reminding myself just how truely blessed I am.
  • Socially I just need to get out more. I need to meet with like minded people and have a good time. I miss my crew back in Lynchburg so bad. They've all pretty much gone on with out me. I'm very fortunate that I still have my lil' buddy back there to hang out with, but I need my old army of amigos back.
All of these problems tie into one big messy knot. It's going to take some time, healing, and forgivemess for me to move on. I'm going to be cool again, one day. Until then I just need to calm down and be the best person I can be with the people that still care to have me in their lives.

I just feel like such a failure. I can't catch the breaks I want, and when I do, I just take them for granted. So I sit alone this weekend to reflect....and mourn the passing of the bitter creature that I've become to make room for the good and decent person that I know I am.

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